Well, before my winter break started, I vowed to fill my days with plenty of things to do so I wouldn't have time to think about my ex-boyfriend. Two of the things I planned to do were finish my mom's shower and complete the living room ceiling. Even though I only have one week left of break, I'm definitely going to finish the living room ceiling. I want some of the house to look decent for my graduation party in June. It's just time to finish projects my mother didn't. I hate unfinished projects.
waterpologirl16
Finally!
So about 10 years ago we had this cottage cheese looking crap on the ceiling of every room in our house. Now it's only in my bedroom and my mother's bedroom. Well, while my mother was working on the living room ceiling, she hurt her dominant shoulder and couldn't finish it. So the ceiling has looked like crap for 10 freakin' years!
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Major update!
I have a lot to update about. In June, I had my procedure done. It was terrible. Josh didn't even offer to go along to be with me, and it wasn't very pleasant being with my mother. It was a two-day thing, so we had to spend the night in a hotel because it was an out-patient procedure. Well, while we were there, my mom decided to go find a store because for some reason she hella wanted a candy bar... She was gone for a long time. The pain in my abdomen was so intense, I started bawling. I threw up my hydrocodone, ibuprofen, and the bite of pathetic sandwich I attempted to eat. I cried, begging God to forgive me for what would happen the next day; for what was happening right then. I tried to text my oldest friend and attempted to talk to her, but she kind of blew me off. So I texted Kelsey, and she wasn't much help either. So lay there crying for about an hour. Just as my eyes went back to their normal color and I dried my tears, my mother walked in the door. I finally passed out, and slept until Josh called me around 9 PM to tell me he was going to bed. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him it was none of his business. He was quiet, and I thought I heard him crying, but I didn't care. I was in pain. So I finally went to sleep.
When I woke up, I wasn't in pain anymore. I just got dressed and we headed to the hospital. It wasn't that long of a drive. I just felt empty and dirty, like I was defying the laws of nature. We got to the hospital again and the people were really friendly. I kind of felt at home. They gave me awkward hospital gowns and these amazing slipper socks (that I still have, by the way) and I waited...for 5 freaking hours. My appointment was at 10:30 AM! But finally, they called me back and my heart was pounding so fast. I had to sit on this scary table in a brightly lit room. I wanted to cry. It wasn't right. It still isn't right. But they injected the anesthesia into the frightening IV and within seconds, I was out.
I remember waking up, feeling hella high. If anesthesia was a legal drug, I would do it. I had the best sleep of my life. I left the hospital and my mom and I went out to eat. I was so hungry. I hadn't eaten since, like, 8 PM the day before! I love food, and it was wonderful to eat again.
The weeks passed by slowly after that. Josh and I remained together, and I forgave him for being a douche about the whole thing. Summer school P.E. was terrible because I wasn't allowed to run for nearly 3 weeks! I wanted to get my chunk off, but I couldn't. Not playing water polo was torture. But finally, there came a day when my bleeding ceased and I said to myself, "Natalya, you're going to put on your swimsuit and go kick some ass." And I did. And I got the second worst sunburn of my life. My mom wouldn't let me swim for, like, three days after that. xD But I kept going to my summer practices; kept getting better at polo. I finished my summer school P.E. course with an A+! I was so thrilled! Even after weeks of non-participation, I got an A. Yay for a higher overall GPA.
My senior year started well. I didn't really want to take math this year, but I figured it would look better when I went to college. I don't have a first period, and that extra sleep has totally helped my grades. I decided to take only one honors class this year, and that class is physics. I am the worst physics student. I struggled the whole semester... But I pulled through with a C. (: Anyway! Not to get ahead of the story. Water polo season started amazingly. I had an attitude for awhile, but one day, I got in the pool and decided, "This needs to stop. I need to step up with a good, positive attitude and be the captain because our team desperately needs one." And I was captain. I directed that team and I feel that I gave those girls a lot of hope. There were some girls that didn't really care, but I ignored them the best I could. It was the most amazing sport season EVER. 
Our sports awards was one of the best nights of the year. I went there, thinking I wouldn't really be recognized for anything. If I got anything, I was really hoping for "Defensive Player of the Year" award. I busted my ass in D-hole. I had gone from goalie my junior year to defensive hole my senior year. Hella big change. But I was even more surprised by the award I got: MVP! I almost cried with joy. IT made me so happy. It really was the best season. Josh even made me a really amazing sign for my senior night. (: It was just amazing all the way around.
On October 21st, Josh and I had our one-year anniversary. It was wonderful. I was happy and so was he. I'm so glad we made it to one year and I hope we have many more years.
Speaking of Josh... we had a tragic event happen in November. Over Thanksgiving break, he told me that he was moving into an apartment with 3 of his friends. I was really happy for him. And he told me that he was also going back to school the next semester. I was even happier for him. He was sweet all week. Then came the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I woke up happy, because in less than a week I would be 18. But that day brought nothing but sorrow. We were talking about what we were going to do for that day, he started accusing me of being selfish. It was my most special birthday, and all I wanted was Lady GaGa's new CD! Less than $10 out of his pocket! And he called me selfish! He broke up with me because he was tired of fighting. I cried for two days straight. I even sat in my closet and cried. After everything we had been through, he dumped me. For real. It was terrible. He continuously told me to leave him the hell alone. So I did. It was so hard.
On the morning of Monday, November 30th, I woke up to my phone buzzing. I hadn't slept well enough the night before as it was, so I was somewhat grateful for someone's conversation. I checked it and saw that it was from my friend Toni. I opened it, expecting it to be some churchy chain letter, but it was much more horrifying than that. All it said was, "omg landon died in a car accident!" I died inside. Landon Guglielmana, the boy I had known since I was five, was dead. It couldn't be true. There was no way. I lay there, crying. Crying for Landon, crying that I had lost Josh. In those few minutes, I pretty much cried for everything I had lost. It was so depressing.
My mom decided to take me to Disneyland for my birthday. I couldn't even be happy. Apparently, the viewing for Landon was on my birthday. I was happy I missed it. The funeral was December 5th. i wasn't happy. How could I be? I didn't talk to Josh for quite awhile. It was his job to contact me. And he did periodically. And finally, one day, I told him that I was taking him the letters and shit I had written him whether he wanted them or not. He told me he did want them so I went over there on December 16th. I had made the mistake of wearing make-up that day. I knew once I was next to him, it would melt right off. He read some of the letters while I was there. Then he told me we should talk instead. And we did. And I cried. And he held me and told me he still loved me and he always would. And he kissed me. And made plans to come see me that night.
That night was amazing. I won't go into detail. It was to intimate to detail over the internet. But I honestly felt dirty and used afterward. He only called me when it was convenient for him. I can't even remember everything that happened between then and December 21st. December 21st, Josh and I had planned to go to Christmas Tree Lane, which is a corny Christmas light thing that goes down one of the richest streets in Fresno. I waited all day for him to call me. And he didn't. So I decided to hang out with Kelsey. And we stalked Josh at his friend's house. I was so angry. He had blown me off for a useless lump of flesh. And apparently he thought we were leaving at 8. Yet he never ASKED what time we were leaving. We almost didn't go. It took him awhile to cool down after I yelled at him. But as we were driving down that street, he leaned over and said, "Give me a kiss, Natalya." And I did. After that, we went out to dinner. What kind of guy takes his ex out to dinner?
Well, I didn't really talk to him until recently, because Kelsey made a good point about him: He's living every guys's wet dream. He has a girl who would literally do anything for him, yet he has to make no commitment. And ever since she made that point, I've wanted to bring it up with him. Well, New Year's Eve, he called me and asked what I was doing. I assumed that meant he wanted to hang out, and I asked. He told me only if I wanted to, which I did. So we made plans for that night. While I was in the shower, he texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to dinner, and I said yes. He picked me up around 6, and he leaned in for a kiss, but I turned away, so he asked for one. I looked at him and said softly, "Friends don't kiss, Joshua." He motioned for me to kiss his cheek, and as I choked on tears, I said no. He looked really upset, and kissed my shoulder instead. He looked upset all the way to the restaurant. On the drive there, I brought up the subject that had been bothering me. I told him it wasn't fair to me that he wasn't committed. He tried to say he was. But I said, "If you were committed, I would still be your girlfriend." And he asked me why the title was so important. I honestly don't know why it is. But it is. He said he just needed time; he hadn't even moved into his new place yet. I told him I loved him deeply, but I wouldn't wait forever. He looked like he might cry.
While we talked over dinner, he talked about the stuff he'd done since we broke up. Of course he did fun stuff. I felt like I really didn't mean all that much to him. Even after all the cute little MySpace BuddyPoke things and sweet comments he left for me recently, I still didn't feel happy. I tried not to cry at dinner. I think he did too.
We really didn't have plans for the night. He texted a bunch of his friends and finally, as we were leaving, we saw his friend Dave zoom through the parking lot. Josh called him and we ended up going to Dave's ridiculously, opulently decorated house! I felt so poor. The whole time we were there, Josh kept his arms around me and even kissed me in front of his manly friends. I felt all warm inside.
We ended up deciding on smoking pot out at his friend James' house. We went with Josh's friend Hefner to get weed and wraps, then we went out there. And Hefner let some stuff slip about Josh. He'd been smoking recently, and he lied about it when I asked him. So I confronted him about it, and I told him if he ever wanted to be back with me, he needed to quit his lying bullshit NOW. And he profusely apologized. I hope he keeps to his word.
So our smoke session went well. I kind of felt like the 3rd wheel for awhile, then Josh gathered me in his arms and just held me for a long-ass time. Then James put on his iPod and after awhile, Josh picked the songs. And when he sang the words, if felt like he was singing to me. The lyrics were all about being sorry and making mistakes that they regretted. And sometimes he even looked in my eyes as he sang. It brought me to tears.
There came a point when we went out and sat in Hefner's truck to roll the second blunt. I had no idea why Josh needed me to do a 3 minute thing, but we ended up sitting in the back seat. We kissed a lot, and I don't know why I gave in. But finally, he said something amazing. All he said was, "You can have the title back." He took me back. I asked why and he said he really missed me and he loved me so much. I honestly believe he really loves me. I don't know what kind of guy would do his hardest to hold onto a girl the way he has. Especially after I told him commit or we're just friends. Strictly friends. He was all sweet and lovey in front of his bros, he let me sit on his lap, he kissed me and told me he loved me a lot louder than a whisper. He loves me. But I feel like things are still fragile. I don't want to rush anything. My heart still hurts a little. I just need to be careful.
So there's my update. i'm just looking forward to 2010. Swim season, graduation, work. I'm looking forward to it all.
And Joshua said something cute today. I texted him and told him that in an hour, he could go home to HIS home. And then he said, I wish I could go home to you. I told him maybe someday he will. And all he said was, "I know I will poo."
-Peacee. <3
Nuhhh...
Honestly, I don't even deserve to be alive. I can't stop hurting myself and the people around me that I love. I got my best friend in trouble with her father because I'm so damned manipulative and persuasive and told her ditching was major fun. After awhile, I'll be real. It wasn't fun. It was just better than being cooped up in freezing, Arctic classrooms in that concrete prison. We could lay in the park where it was warm, go buy food and just kick back and eat, talk about our future aspirations. But look where it led us both: lower grades than we should've had, parents that don't trust us, lost priveleges. Terrible.
When did I grow to be such a liar? A bold-faced one at that! I can look people straight in the eye and lie to them like they're dirt. I was raised not to lie. And here I am, 17 years old, and probably a better liar than Charles Manson. Okay, well maybe that's an exaggeration but you catch my drift. But the bad thing about my lies is...they always catch up with me. Like...say...my trip to the ER that my medical insurance didn't cover. Yeah. The bill came today. A bill for $306. And what did it say at the bottom? Maternity costs. Yes. I'm...a holy vessel. If you count a 20 year old Denny's employee as a saint. ):
My mother found out my biggest secret of all today. The secret that I've been wanting to tell her for nearly 6 weeks now. I could never find a way to break down and tell her. But she found out the hard way. Via my lies. But it's going to be taken care of Thursday, June 11th. I thank whatever higher deity is out there.
I've been praying a lot lately. And I've been praying strictly to God. Like, the Christian God. I felt a hole in me, and now, it's partially filled. Even when there's no one to talk to, I can talk to Him and cry and it's like He listens. Peter Griffin is right in a way. He said, "Loving America is like loving God or a step-parent. You never really feel them love you back, but it's okay 'cause you know they've got other stuff going on." It's so true. I feel so empty without my grandmother. If she were alive, I would've told her before I even told my boyfriend about what happened. She would've broken it to my mom better than I could've. But now I don't have my Grandma. I don't have that special old woman with her special smell that used to pray for me and call me her Peanut. I don't have anyone to watch The Young and the Restless with anymore. I don't have anywhere to go on Mondays when we get out at 1:45 PM. I just come home to a house that ironically smells like my grandmother's house because of all her belongings we have here. Everytime I go out to her empty abandoned house with broken windows and popped-off screens, I just want to scream angrily and throw things at it and blame God for taking her from me. Sometimes, I feel her close and I feel worse than I usually do because I can't hug her or sit on her couch or bring her something to eat. I don't have any of her precious furniture like her "chesterfills" or her special chair. That fucking bastard Kevin has anything like that that was special. I have antique furniture that sat in other rooms to waste away. I have her wedding dress, but what good does that do me? I wasn't there to see her wear it. I'll never be able to use the last of her Far Away perfume because then it'll be gone and I won't be able to smell it anymore. Ordering another bottle from Avon would do no good because that new bottle didn't belong to my Grandma. My uncles threw away everything I wanted that she held special! Her little momentos! They took all her cups and china that I wanted to sift through and just left it out on the yard for the welfare-sucking Mexicans to take! That stuff didn't belong to them! It belonged to us! Me and my mother, the ones who took care of her and pushed her wheelchair when she was in one and took her to Costco and went to church with her. They didn't know her favorite color, or her favorite hymn or Bible verse. I did! They got everything for her funeral from me! She would occasionally go to my volleyball games and enjoyed them. If I could've kept everything she owned, I would've. They threw all her clothes in a room and told me to take it to the Hind's Hospice. I got to keep, like, 4 things. I wanted to keep everything. People tell me I'll get over it, that it'll fade into a memory and I'll learn to be happy. But they're wrong. I'll never get over being bitter and angry. I know it's unhealthy, but I can't let the person that I loved the most go. It's going to be a year next month. And I just realized that. I barely made it through a year. What's it going to be like after two years, six years, ten years? I'll tell you: just more depressing. There will always be a shadow over my heart.
Well, with that said and done, I should move on to more current things. I'm a senior in high school. Finally. I've waited so long for this. In another year, I'll be graduating and moving on to bigger and better things. I hope to be playing softball for Fresno City, and working to do whatever I can to be an ecologist. I pretty much fucked up my high school days, barely squeaking by and shit. But this year is going to be different. After what I've put myself and the people I love through, I'm going to push for better things. I don't want to be exactly what everyone thought I was going to be: a deadbeat. Because I'm sure that's what most people are beginning to think about me. And I was starting to believe me. But talking to Alexis has given me a new outlook on my future.
I've known Alexis since kindergarten. Yeah. Almost all our lives. I told her today the position I'm in, and she told me she wasn't disappointed in me. She told me she'd support me no matter what decision I made, and she didn't judge me, or treat me like a leper. I had forgotten how much I missed her, and how good our talks used to make me feel. We've had a few fall-outs, but when you've been friends for this long, that's bound to happen occasionally. We established that we need to see each other more. We've both changed, but that happens to everyone. I love her very much, and I always will.
Beside all the misery that the past year has bestowed upon me, animals and nature always make me feel better. So does adopting cats... We got two new ones. A cookies-and-cream looking Siamese named Jake, and a salmon-point Siamese mix name Elwood. (: And then the other day, my mom found a little bundle of love outside. He evaded us for a few days until my mom found him outside three days ago, curled up in a little ball; his eyes crusted shut. She told me he looked ready to give up. Now he's my spoiled pampered baby. I feed him, bathe him, wipe his butt if there's lingering poop, and let him sleep with me while he's wrapped in his navy blue hand towel. He makes me happy, even when I'm as miserable as I am.
I have the despairing feeling that my relationship is coming to a close. And just after we had a talk and were doing better. I don't know if I'm upset about disappointing my mom on a daily basis, ruining friendships, fucking up my school life, or having to leave the man I love. I don't know for sure if my parents will make me break up with him, but if they do, I'm going to run away. I don't know where, but I'll leave. I don't know if I could survive 6 months without him until my 18th birthday. And even if I did, I'd probably be too depressed by then to care if we got back together. I don't care about a lot anymore. I don't care about myself. I don't care about impressing people anymore. I just want to excel in academics and athletics and push through till June 2010. I can't wait to get my job in December, that way I can build up my savings and buy my own place.
I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know when I changed. All I know is that I'm here, I'm alive...and I'm going to change. I have no choice. I look in the mirror and look at that girl with the funny hair and weird skin and wonder, Where did the good Natalya go? It doesn't matter anymore. She's bad, but even the most evil, uncouth, ugly creatures can be transformed into something beautiful.
I just pray that I'm that tiny, late bud that'll burst into bloom when the right ray of sunlight touches me.
Find me sunlight, before I fall off this branch and hit the ground.
A branch that doesn't bend with the wind breaks, and if I keep going against the wind, I'm going to snap. For once, I should go with the flow and learn to blend.
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A Story.
Once upon a time, I was pretty. I had glowing golden hair, a perfect complexion, and green eyes that caught everyone's attention. But now...I'm dull. I feel like I've been locked in the same room with no sunlight for years. I feel weary and drab, like I'm a 2-dimensional figure painted grey. My hair isn't so bright anymore. My skin is impure and pale. My eyes...they don't catch anyone's attention anymore. I feel like I just blend in with the rest of the Mexicans at my school. I'm no longer the extraordinary beauty that everyone admired. People used to stop me to tell me how splendid I looked. I, myself, used to think I was at least appealing to others. Even when guys never noticed me and it was the girls who paid me my daily compliments, I was happy and felt pretty. But I feel worn down. Like every effort I make to make myself pretty goes to waste.
Every night before I go to sleep, I take a warm shower and scrub my blonde hair and condition it with care. I take great pains to comb every not out so that it doesn't get ratty and I end up having to yank huge wads of hair out. I wash my face and drink lots of water to rinse out the impurities. All I pretty much drink is water. I can't remember the last soda I had. It's been months. I always generously apply a heavy night-time moisturizer to my face and lotion my body. In the morning, I wash my face with a delicate face wash and use toner and an SPF 25 moisturizer for the day. I have gone back to wearing make-up because I hadn't for a long time.
Every night after I shower, I think of what I'm going to wear the next day. I don't plan anything elaborate, just something nice so I don't look like trash. I apply light make-up that compliments my outfit. I'm not doing anything over-the-top that would draw peoples' eyes away from what used to be my "natural beauty."
I just want to know what happened to the pretty, fresh-faced girl I used to look at in the mirror everday. I'll be honest: I was never conceited. It took a long time and a lot of pushes for my self-esteem to go high enough that I'd even consider myself attractive. I just want to know what happened to my pretty, clear face and shiny, bright hair. Was it the $2 Clearasil Cream Cleanser I used for the longest time? Was it the Herbal Essences shampoo and conditioner? I don't know. I sometimes think if I go back to those things and the soaps and lotions I used during the times I was happiest, will I feel as pretty and be as happy as I was back then? I don't know what's come over me. I've felt like this since the end of last year. I just don't feel like myself and I wish I knew why.
I'm not asking for help. If someone can help, then I'd like that. Because I'm starting to hate myself. I think of ways to slowly kill myself...like arsenic on powdered sugar donuts. Or occasionally eating cereal with milk poisoned by oleanders. There are so many ways I could slowly kill myself and no one would ever know.
I just want to be happy again.
New News!
Soo. School sucks. I'm always hella bored now that I'm not playing a sport. Didn't make soccer. It's okay though. I'm getting hella better at softball. YEE!
Kelsey and I are once again best buds. I is happayy. We hang out all the time and we do crazy stuff and I dunno! It's just super-fun. I know super-fun is kind of a lame-ass term, but it's the only wordage I can think of.
I've been dating Josh for nearly 2 months now. DAANG. I remember our first date. It was a water polo game. And it was fun.
I guess that's about in now. Starting swimming soon. Well, at least swimming conditioning.
Kelsey and I are once again best buds. I is happayy. We hang out all the time and we do crazy stuff and I dunno! It's just super-fun. I know super-fun is kind of a lame-ass term, but it's the only wordage I can think of.
I've been dating Josh for nearly 2 months now. DAANG. I remember our first date. It was a water polo game. And it was fun.
I guess that's about in now. Starting swimming soon. Well, at least swimming conditioning.
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